I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
