it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Randomize
