So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
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