I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
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