I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Randomize
