She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I think weed is turning my hair brown
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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