Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
