Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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