Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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