She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Randomize
