so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
Randomize