I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
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