my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
