If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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