Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
time to smoke my breakfast
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
