Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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