Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
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