He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
I just want nice things and good sex
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
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