I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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