It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize