last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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