he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
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