Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
I think that maybe Alyssa may of had too much to drink. is it normal for her to straddle random people in quizno's?
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize
