i was born a porn star she said
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
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