I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
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