Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize