He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
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