I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
how do you play pong handcuffed?
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
Randomize
