my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
