i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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