was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
