Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Randomize
