i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
