Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
