if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
