i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
