Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Randomize
