My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
Randomize
