i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
