The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Randomize
