Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Randomize
