When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
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