...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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