I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Randomize
