so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Randomize
