Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
Randomize