if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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