I'd suck a dick for hot wings now. A metaphoric dick that is
I've been sucking dick for sushi for weeks now...hasn't worked yet :P
I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
Randomize
