You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
I'm like, not good at living.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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