He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Randomize
