Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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