it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
