im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
worst night to have a conscience
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
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