The maid of honor just puked.
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Randomize
