Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Randomize
