I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Any of you guys fuck a 16 year old again? Because our front yard got fucked over high school style.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
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