State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
